Learning to Lean In


2018 was a year that rocked the very world that I thought I existed in. Things I thought were unshakeable came crumbling down. Things that I thought would never hold up resurrected with a fierceness I had never known. Relationships became strengthened with resolve, battles were fought arm in arm, fates felt sealed.

God was faithful through it all.

But I would be lying to you - I mean, really lying to you - if I didn’t confess there were also moments within God’s faithfulness I felt very alone. Surrounded my people, family, friends, my husband, I still felt shattered by grief walking through a life I didn’t expect.

Early that year I found myself on the kitchen floor, my knees curled up underneath me. For the first time I can remember, I asked God where He was. I said “this is what You wanted me to do… so where are You?” I asked the hard questions we avoid, like "why is this happening? Why is this so hard? If I’m being obedient, shouldn’t it be easier? Shouldn’t it require less of me if this is your will?"

But alas, it was hard. It still is hard.

Even in those loneliest moments, God somehow wrapped His arms around me and proved He was there. I fell back on the times I had seen Him walk me through something before. I knew He would prove Himself faithful again.

Which, consequently, brings me to my favorite parts of the bible : the pivots. The places when someone is questioning God but then ultimately make a decision to move forward.

Psalm 102 starts off “Hear my prayer, O Lord! And let my cry for help come to You. Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my distress; Incline Your ear to me; In the day when I call answer me quickly.”

The writer here is desperate for God’s answer, for His mercy, His presence. The prayer gets more desperate and dim as he cries out for eleven verses asking where God is.


Then we get to verse twelve.

“But You, O Lord, abide forever and Your name to all generations. You will arise and have compassion on Zion; For it is time to be gracious to her, for the appointed time has come.”

Do you see it? The shifting from what life feels like to who God is?

The writer moved from what was happening - his dire circumstances and heartache - to what He knew was true about God. The next sixteen verses He claims what He has already seen and what He is sure will happen. Finally, he writes“But You are the same, and Your years will not come to an end.” (vs. 27).

It's okay to ask God the tough questions, to want an answer as to the why. But then we've got to lean into the pivot, deciding to go against how we feel and for what we know. Be encouraged today, dear friend.


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