When I went to counseling a few weeks ago and before I even left my house, I knew it was going to be a doozie. There are a lot of things coming up for me as I pray a miracle for our friends while also waiting on God to do a miracle for me.
I sat in the office, in a bucket of tears and said, "I feel like God loves everyone else but me."
This is the thorn in my side. I know it and have known it for several years.
I grew up in a house where my mom was unbelievably awesome. She loved us, cared for us, joked with us, made sure we got everywhere we needed to be when we needed to be there (shoutout to all the moms everywhere).
But my dad's love was the love I wanted. It was also the love I never, ever, genuinely got it.
Often people ask me how the relationship with my earthly father has affected my relationship with God the Father. I have always - ALWAYS - said it hasn't. I've never had a problem viewing God as my Father... in fact, often it's been helpful. I have never felt that the trauma my dad caused in my life is synonymous with anything God the Father would cause in my life.
But this week I realized, my relationship with my dad absolutely has affected my relationship with God. Not because I'm angry at God in a similar way that I am angry at my Father. Not because I feel like God has done these things to me, even if He has allowed them.
But because I have unknowingly associated my earthly father's absolute unwillingness to love and care for me with God's love and care for me.
When I ask God for something specific and He does something else, it must be because He doesn't love me.
When God gives someone else the thing I've been praying for, He must love them more.
When I am flat on my face begging God for a miracle in my life, but He doesn't give it to me, it must be because I haven't earned it. He doesn't trust me with it. I'm not good enough.
When I really lean into it, like Jill asked me to yesterday, I picture the face of the Lord look upon me with the same sort of smug look on his face that my earthly father would have had. "Oh, Becky. You're not ready for that. Oh, Becky, why do you think so much of ourself? Of course, that's not for you. That's for her."
And these thoughts absolutely break my heart.
Jill asked, "How does it make you feel to say these things aloud?'
I thought for a few long moments and started welling up with tears. Instead of waiting on a response she asked another question, "Why do you think the tears coming now?"
With them streaming down my face I answered, "Because I feel Jesus whispering, 'Of course, I love you, Becky. I love you so very much." I felt God's absolute and unwavering comfort in that very honest moment with myself. When I allow myself to actually sit and come to HIM with my heartache instead of pushing it away, pretending I am not feeling the way I'm feeling, He meets me there. And He will do the same for you.
I know God loves me, but I am hurting, just as many of you are. And my hurts affect the way I view the Lord and I don't like that, but I understand it. So instead of running away from it, I'm going to lean in and give these thoughts and feelings back to the Lord.
Over and again, I told the Lord yesterday (sometimes aloud), "I am hurting. I feel wounded. I feel alone." And repeatedly, God comforted my heart. I've recently been re-reading the book of Job and I see the same thing from him. He repeatedly comes to the Lord and asks, "Why have You abandoned me? Why won't You answer me?"
And, eventually, God meets Him there. When we read the story, we know that God never left, but Job wasn't as sure. But even though God never left, He did allow Job to experience the hurt, the heartbreak, the horror of earthly tragedy in order to humble Job and bring him BACK to Himself.
Can I just encourage you to be honest with the Lord today, no matter what you're feeling? Let God be your comfort in your time of need. Let Him meet you in this place of vulnerability and begin the healing process with and for you.
"Come to me, all who are weary and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28